OTL

Maybe one last one forreal actually. After a bit, I’m deleting this account.

Not gonna sugar coat anything. I know no one would ever read this except you if you even stop by here again. So, I’m good. I’m okay. I really am. I feel a different type of sad. Not really a heartbreak sad, or an infinite void sad.

Just a different type that’s almost like I’m in a different dimension. I got a lot of things to say, but a ton I won’t. I’m more or less moved forward already. Very behind for sure. but it is what it is as I’ve always said. I definitely don’t like this internal feeling of feeling like I’m hated. but that isn’t your problem. my conclusion is either that one, you really don’t like me and that’s fine. or two, it’s just a way for me to convince myself to keep moving forward specifically for this situation like I always do.

I definitely also don’t like how retrospectively thinking, this just feels exactly how everything ended the last time years ago too. I was about to just delete this page till I got curious to look back at all my posts since there really weren’t a lot at all over the years, and that included what I said at least about you all the times before.

Re-reading all the things I said feel exactly like an out of control version of who I am now, but I’ve come to terms faster since this time is the literal second time.

I just want to put out there that I still have no resentment or anger. I’ll just be doing my thing and existing. Continuing to think forward too, as much as I’d really like to have Viper, a gut feeling inside is telling me not to. And it’s telling me that I shouldn’t give any reason to create contact or conversation between us. I’m okay with letting him go even though we talked about it. Even if it does make me a bit more sad inside. And I genuinely don’t know when I’ll be in a place where I can have him anytime soon. But I already made a decision on that so. I just feel like I wouldn’t be able to continue down the path I’m choosing now if I saw you again and it wasn’t a “just kidding” type of scenario.

Ironically, if you’re here reading this. This is a breach of that whole thing, and basically me talking directly to you for better or worse. Though these will be the last things I hope to say.

Everything beyond this point would’ve been more argumentative for my end of things so really, I’ll just end it here because I don’t think it’s necessary nor do I want to start anything.

Minus a few, everyone that knows we’re apart is supportive of you. I’m aware and will definitely say, I’m in a worse and pretty bad position here in life myself, but I’ll keep telling you I’m fine. More importantly for me. I’ve let everyone know that if you ever hit them up to still be your friend and support what you might need, and to leave whatever assumption they have of us out of it. I know Sylvan never responded for your request to him, and it’s because of his bias. He’s also one of the narrow-minded ones like we’ve always known. And he randomly told me about it directly. So don’t mind him.

I wont be so petty as to take the last words and not allow you to say whatever you might have to say, so If I ever notice anything that you might’ve wanted to say something directed towards me. I’ll give it my attention, and leave it at that. I guarantee I’ll at least listen one more time. So please make the next meaningful thing you say count.

if that ever happens. But then again, who knows. in all reality, maybe we’ll cross again in this life when things are better, or maybe we won’t.

But anyways, I don’t know when, but the next time I remember this account exists will be when I delete it. I genuinely hope you find yourself, and that you’re able to heal and be happy.

Z

I’ve been mulling over writing anything at all concerning this. But it just felt like the most natural way to cope and move forward for me.

Im really sorry I couldn’t be what you needed. I don’t take back what I said about not knowing because I genuinely didn’t know, and can’t act on what I don’t know.

And I’m sorry I cant even cry over this in front of you because of how real I’ve had to be about my actions with myself over the years and years of figuring everything out, trying gauge everything rationally just to survive. It’s just how I’ve been.

Though, it has been sinking in while sitting around waiting before I go. So though I say I don’t have the time to be sad, unfortunately for me while sitting around, I’m deep in the well sad af.

I’m sorry for hurting you over the years and being oblivious to it though I can swear I’ve tried to be aware. But I could say the same, though, there’s really no point on my end. For me, whatever I’m feeling will always be my own responsibility to make sure I’m fine. And by being in control of my self, that was supposed to leave me space to help handle your feelings, so I could ignore mine. (Not a bad thing, I’m just really good at naturally controlling my emotions). Though I suppose I’ve been doing it wrong this whole time.

I’m sorry for idk what else honestly. I’m not as well spoken as I used to be and when I write, it’s always a back stock of my thoughts that need to get out, but I’ve spoken out loud to you every time and every day. So I don’t have anything in the back of my mind left.

I don’t wanna make this stupid long for no reason. So I’ll cut it off there. Do I have more I want to say? Probably. And infinitely. But I can’t find a reason to stare at this post for 3 weeks before hitting publish.

I don’t have any resentment or anything. I’m not mad. I’m not disappointed or anything like that. And why would/should I be. You have a right to feel what you feel about me and I accept that.

I really wish it didn’t have to end because I really really really really wanted to see the end of it all with you. But this is where it will conclude now. And for the time we had, I’m grateful, and I love you for all that time. But from here on, I don’t think we’ll be seeing each other again or in any other lifetime.

I loved you & thank you.

__

PS. If you ever come back to read this again. I know I’m capable to doing everything I’m going to do, and that I’m going to make it happen.

I just wanted to be alongside you during all of it, not just remembering you used to be here when I get there.

12/22/20 | 3:45 AM

Upset.

I’m posting this here because legitimately no one besides you is even here to really see this. I’m feeling very disassociated and very isolated right now. And I relish in (love) isolation. Anyone who knows me, knows it’s not because Im anti social, but because it’s a place I grew fond of and found tranquility in to be happy, the ability to be alone by myself. And by being with you, I’ve found myself in something I love more than isolation, a reason to be a pair than alone.

To get to the straight core of the problem, I get it, I took you off my close friends story on Instagram because you got super frustrated that I blamed you for my mom not wanting to come here to live with me when I found out she was homeless

And yes, I understand and we both know: the reason she didn’t want to come here was you.

We both know that and you chose to really tell me it’s my moms ego in that situation—when yes it is I agree to an extent—but it’s justified why she doesn’t want to see you. And I also believe it was uncalled for for to even really tell me my mom has an ego like that when you don’t know anything or even the first thing about her. in my right I should be pissed at you, but that won’t solve anything nor make anything better for me, you, or anyone to be mad.

So okay you didn’t see my close friends story of me posting young Franky from One Piece captioned “not so super today”. And talking to my coworker to vent about the problem without directly referencing the problem at all. I didn’t blame nor say anything about you at all, just vaguely talked about it in a lighthearted way to him.— which you should know since supposedly you were looking at my iPad from messages routing there when you said “so that’s why <coworker> was messaging you”.

(This is literally so stupid that I have to even type all this up because you always choose to argue with me instead of listen lol we’re not kids)

But anyways to get back to the point. I pulled my back today, really bad, And right in front of you that you saw how badly in pain I was, unable to get up, unable to move, semi panicking while lightly joking that I’ll never be able to walk again. I affirmed with you and everyone around that I legit feel extremely in pain. And I couldn’t even focus enough on anything because of it, and you wanted to focus on and fixate on how I’ve temporarily taken you off the close friends story instead of prioritizing my health when I explained to you why I removed you (because obviously me “not feeling so super” was because of you talking about my mom and me backing down and letting you feel how you feel about it.) already and explicitly told you after that I deadass really need you because this back pain is serious. And I feel like I should be able to rely on you when I really need you.

You genuinely for the first time have made me feel like you’re only conditionally loving me, that being mad over a story post on Instagram is more important to you than knowing that I have physically reached a threshold I never expected and said I needed you.

It really does hurt and I’m at the same time numb to it because I know you’d already be this way and it sucks thst I’m not surprised. I really need you and you want to be mad over something trivial I’ve already even showed you the posts of (though not the Franky one yet.) Even before I posted the story, I tried for a while to talk it out with you and help you understand my situation as well as affirm for you I understand your perspective, to which you keep telling me you don’t believe me. I don’t have time for that. You don’t have time for that.

If we really lived together just us, and this happened, now how do I know I can trust you to help me out and unconditionally care for me. I legit have nothing to hide nor prove, and you already know how much I love and care for you. Lucky me right now, literally all my closest friends are over who were able to help make sure i’m good.

Because besides the emotional disconnect you caused me tonight, it really hurts, physically I feel like I’m in a really bad spot that I shouldn’t be in, and there’s nothing I can truly do about it except reassure myself that I’ll be able to recover correctly by myself if I had t

You can tell me you always do love, care, think about, worry etc, as much as you want, but now, I REALLY don’t feel anymore like you’re genuinely concerned or even thinking of me anymore, even though I still love you and care for you after all of this has already happened.

Doing a little drawing warm up thing of my webcomic OC’s, 9/30 done! Slowly building up my confidence again with some sketches daily so follow along at my social media’s below!

Instagram

Twitter

Don’t think I’ve ever felt this legitimately depressed. lol

Took part in a “draw this in your style” thing from one of my favorite instagram artists ~ hopefully I have enough time someday to actually animate non static type work, but comic & acquiring commissions comes first-o.

[My Instagram]

[Artists Instagram] (Nikola Cizmesija)

shameshack:

noirjojo:

sootysheep:

professor-maple-mod:

akamaru01:

halphelt:

lastqueenofmars:

freakxwannaxbe:

craspyhome:

dude-of-electricity:

craspyhome:

here is my portfolio

Can someone please explain

y’all are such petty fuckers istg

Ywah we’re bitter because theres people who try to diversify their style and still get the door slammed on them while people who make same face/body over and over again become “professionals”

Hold on just a minute. 

Do y’all really think sakimi prefers drawing the same thing over and over again? She does it because that’s what the market wants and responds to, and so what pays her bills. I’m sure Sakimi started by drawing a shit ton of other things that also never got noticed.

Just because your super original style or experimental idea didn’t get the notes you wanted doesn’t mean you get to shit on artists who found and stuck to a formula that works. Your lack of success is not a popular artist’s fault.

So I just want to add, because it’s not on this particular version of this post, but those 3 were picked very purposefully to attempt to make a point without even linking to her pages where you can clearly see she does a hell of a lot more than just these which are still very beautiful btw. Not to mention that even in those 3 shown the only similarities are in skin color and maybe body shape literally everything else is unique and requires a tremendous amount of skill and effort. Also I know I don’t really _need_ to add to this post but I’m going to anyway.

(x)

(x)

(x)

(x)

(x)

And she also does males because that was also not brought up

(x)

(x)

So yeah if you don’t care for her stuff, sure fine whatever that’s your deal.
But don’t be a dick and spread half-truths and misinformation

for real people need to stop being bitter

okay i gotta reblog because WOW those are amazing?? WTF? 

Simply beautiful holy shit

artist: *draws beautiful art with an incredible level of detail*

tumblr: lmao…u think ur fucking special??? just because you can do something??? wait until the internet hears my Funny Post about this ur career is over u fuckin hack

seeing all the shit sakimi get’s in her posts even in the present day is still one of those big peeves I have lmao.